MARRIAGES

IT is advised, that all young or unmarried people in membership with us, previously to their making any procedure inorder to marriage, do seriously and humbly wait upon the Lord forhis counsel and direction in this important concern; and whenfavoured with satisfactory clearness therein, they should earlyacquaint their parents or guardians with their intentions, andwait for their consent; thus preservation from the dangerous biasof forward, brittle, and uncertain affections, would beexperienced to the real benefit of the parties, and the comfortof their friends. And it is earnestly recommended to Friends,that they tenderly and carefully watch over the youth, and extendseasonable caution and admonition, as occasions may require.

The above is preceded, in the 1881 Orthodox discipline, by the following two paragraphs:

"Unity in religious belief is essential to the full enjoyment of the blessings of a married life, and to that unrestrained confidence and sympathy between parents and their children, which is so important for their growth and settlement in the Truth. We believe also that when the Head of the Church led our forefathers into an organization for their mutual help and religious fellowship, He gave them to see that this sympathy between husband and wife in religious belief and practice is highly important to a body designed to uphold not only doctrines more spiritual than those generally held in the religious world, but also the life which those doctrines call for,--a life of faithful obedience, in which alone a belief of the doctrines themselves can be livingly retained and their further unfoldings received.

"He who is ready to supply all our needs and enable us to fulfil his purposes, whose watchful eye is ever upon his Church and people, looks with tender regard upon all that relates to the marriage union. He turns the hearts of parents to their children to watch over their associations from early life. Those who will listen to his voice, He warns against forming unsuitable intimacies. He gives the encouraging feel- ing of his approval where the affections are being drawn as He would have them to be, and withholds it where his gracious designs would be frustrated by the connection; and, where He sees meet, He prepares hearts to be joined in religious fellowship before they enter upon a union in marriage.--1881."

Agreed that all single persons, being about to marry at a distance from home, do take care to procure certificates from the monthly meeting they belong to, of their right of membership, and clearness from any other person in respect to marriage, and also that they obtain the mind of their parents or guardians therein; and that none be permitted to join themselves in marriage until such certificates, and the consent of their parents or guardians thereto, be also signified in person, or by writing, where it is practicable, or may be reasonably obtained. And no monthly meeting ought to permit any marriages to be proposed in the said meeting, sooner than a year after the death of husband or wife. It is the sense of this meeting, that if any member do join in marriage with such as are not in membership with us, or in any other way than with the consent and approbation of the monthly meeting, they should be dealt with agreeably to our discipline, and, if not brought to a sense of their error, disowned.

The 1881 Philadelphia Orthodox discipline adds:

"The too ready acceptance of papers of acknowledgment from such persons who have accomplished their marriages out of the order of Society, being of injurious consequence, and a cause of much concern and exercise to this meeting, it is earnestly recommended to Monthly Meetings, that they be careful speedily to proceed to put the rules of our Discipline in practice against such offenders: and when papers of acknowledgment and condemnation are offered, such meetings should be well assured that they proceed from a true ground of sincerity and conviction in the party, manifested by a consistency in life and conversation.--1762. "When any of our members have married those not of our religious profession and are brought to feel the value of association in a religious society who practically believe in immediate Divine guidance both in individual life and in the affairs of the Church, and are so convinced of and attached to the doctrines and testimonies to which faithful Friends have thereby been led as to be made willing to bear their part in upholding them; such may then be retained in or restored to membership by offering a suitable acknowledgment to the Monthly Meeting. And when papers of acknowledgment to this end are offered, in consideration of the sacredness of the marriage covenant, and from a tender regard for the right feelings of the parties, such papers should not be required to express regret for the marriage connection itself, personally considered.--1881."

(A similar concern to that expressed in the last sentence of the above is also found in the 1810 New York discipline, as follows: "...no discouragement should be given by the requisition of any expressions in an acknowledgment, which would not accord with a tender regard for the preservation of harmony, so precious and necessary to be maintained between husband and wife.")

On serious consideration concerning marriages, this meeting being tender in that respect, advises, that no misdemeanor be treasured up, against a person until the time of presenting marriage, and then started, thought perhaps long before done, and known to those who so object to it at that time, which is a wrong thing, and should be checked and discouraged in all meetings. It is recommended to monthly meetings, that according to the ancient decent practice amongst Friends, they take care that such men and women Friends who make suit or proposals or marriage one to the other, do not dwell in the same house, from the time that they begin to be so concerned, until the marriage is accomplished. Advised, that marriages be not accomplished in or immediately after any of our monthly meetings, or other meetings of business, or on first days. And it is desired that, on these occasions, Friends in affluent circumstances, particularly, maybe careful to set a becoming and encouraging example of moderation; and that all may avoid unnecessarily expensive entertainments and large companies, and especially guard against inviting such as guests, who are unlikely to conform to the order of our religious society. Let such of our members be admonished, who keep company, in order for marriage, with persons not of our society; or with any bound servants or apprentices, without the leave of their masters or mistresses; or who are either present themselves, or consent to their children being present at marriages of those not in membership, which are accomplished by the assistance of a priest. And where any are present at the marriage of a member, accomplished either by the official interference of a priest, or in any other way out of our comely order, they are to be dealt with, and where they cannot be brought to a sense of their error, let them be testified against.

The 1881 Philadelphia Orthodox discipline amplifies:

"Marriage being an ordinance of God, He alone can rightly join man and woman therein; neither priest nor magistrate is requisite to its accomplishment; and as we shall not find in all the Scripture that the priest had any part therein further than as a witness among others that were present, we cannot countenance any in the exercise of a function which is no part of the office of a Gospel Minister - 1881

It is the judgment of this meeting, that where parents or guardians have approved the visits or addresses of a man (a member of our religious society) to any of their children or those under their care, that they do not retract the same, without giving such reasons as shall be satisfactory to the monthly meeting whereto they belong.

The 1809 New England discipline phrases this concern: "And it is further advised, that after parents and guardians have suffered their children to engage one another in affections, they do not break off upon any worldly account, but that they wait upon and seek the Lord for their children, in proposals of marriage, before they give any encouragement thereunto."

The 1809 New England discipline states: "The prudent and christian care that has been maintained amongst us, in relation to marriage, ever since we were a people, having obtained a good report, it is become afresh the concern of this meeting that the reputation of our religious society, and the cause of truth herein, may still be kept up; and that not only the several weighty advices of this meeting, in respect to the proceedings of the parties concerned, and the conduct of their parents and guardians, may be observed, but likewise that as little diversity as may be, may appear amongst us, in regard to the form and manner of solemnization"

For the accomplishment of marriage, it is directed that the following order be observed: If both the parties belong to the same monthly meeting, the men's and women's monthly meetings should be informed of their intentions; and the man at a proper time be accompanied into the women's meeting, by a suitable Friend nominated thereto: there the parties are first to declare, that "With Divine permission, and Friends' approbation, they intend marriage with each other"--whereupon, two women Friends should be appointed by minute to make the usual inquiry respecting the woman; and then proceeding to the men's meeting, they should repeat (or make) the same declaration there, and two men Friends be in like manner appointed to inquire concerning the man. If the parties have parents or guardians present, their consent should be expressed; or, if the man is a member of another monthly meeting, the consent of his parents, if he have any, should be produced in writing, either then or at the next meeting, with a certificate from his monthly meeting of his clearness from other like engagements. If the woman be a widow having children, two or more friends should be appointed in the meeting of which she is a member, to see that the rights of her children are legally secured. At the next meeting, if the committees report that careful enquiry has been made, and no obstruction to the further proceeding of the parties appears, the meeting is to leave them at liberty to accomplish their marriage according to our rules, and appoint two Friends of each sex, to attend and see that good order is observed.

The 1809 New England discipline adds: "Monthly-meetings are at liberty, when they think any peculiarity of circumstances, of either of the parties proposing marriage, warrant a deviation from our general practice, to shorten the time of their receiving their answer, by adjourning a monthly-meeting; having especial care, that the time for inspecting the clearness of the parties, be not less than two weeks from their making their proposals, and receiving the meeting's answer."

It is further advised, that the said marriage be accomplished decently, gravely, and weightily; and that the parties themselves, their parents and others concerned, do take care at the houses or places where they go after the meeting is over, that no reproach arise, or occasion of offence be given, by any intemperate or immoderate feasting or drinking, or by any unseemly, wanton, or rude discourses or actions; but that all behave with such sobriety as becomes a people fearing God; and that the company retire to their homes in seasonable time. And if any thing to the contrary is observed, the overseers, or other concerned Friends present, ought as speedily as they conveniently can, to take such aside who make any breach upon good order, and in brotherly love admonish them to a better behaviour; and the said overseers are to make report to the next monthly meeting, whether this advice concerning decency and order be observed, and take care that the marriage certificate be recorded.

The 1863 Ohio (Conservative) discipline adds: "Marriages are to be solemnized at the usual week-day Meetings for Worship, or at a meeting appointed at a seasonable hour in the forenoon on some other convenient week-day, and at the meeting house to which the woman belongs--previous notice to Friends generally, in the latter case, being given. "Towards the conclusion of said meeting, the parties are to stand up, and, taking each other by the hand, are to declare, in an audible and solemn manner, to the following effect - the man first, viz: 'Friends, in the presence of the Lord, and be- fore this assembly, I take this my friend D. E. to be my wife; promising, with divine assistance, to be unto her a loving and faithful husband, until death shall separate us;' and then the woman in like manner: 'Friends, in the presence of the Lord, and before this assembly, I take this my friend A. B. to be my husband; promising, with divine assistance, to be unto him a loving and faithful wife, until death shall separate us.' "The marriage certificate is then to be audibly read by some proper person, the express names and description of the parties being first inserted. They are then to sign the same, the man first, then the woman, with the adopted name of her husband; the relatives next as witnesses, and such others present as are disposed to subscribe their names."

The form of which certificate shall be as follows: Whereas, A.B. of ____, in the county of ____, in ___, son of C.B. of ____ and H. his wife; and D.E. daughter of F.E. of ___and M. his wife, having declared their intentions of marriage with each other, before a monthly meeting of the religious society of Friends, held at ____, according to the good order used among them [_where the parties are under the care of parents or guardians add_] and having consent of parents or guardians concerned (_as the case is_) their said proposal of marriage was al-lowed of by the said meeting. Now these are to certify whom it may concern, that for the full accomplishment of their said intentions, this ____ day of the ___ month, in the year of our Lord___, they, the said A.B. and D.E. appeared in a public meeting of the said people, held at ____ aforesaid; and the said A.B. taking the said D.E. by the hand, did, on this solemn occasion, openly declare, that he took her, the said D.E., to be his wife, promising, with Divine assistance to be unto her a loving and faithful husband until death should separate them; and then, in the same assembly, the said D.E. did in like manner declare, that she took him, the said A.B. to be her husband, promising, with divine assistance to be unto him a loving and faithful wife, until death should separate them. And moreover, they, the said A.B. and D.E. (she according to the custom of marriage, assuming the name of her husband) did as a further confirmation thereof, then and there to these presents set their hands. And we whose names are also hereunto subscribed, being present at the solemnization of the said marriage and subscription, have, as witnesses thereto, set our hands the day and year above written. A. B. D. B.

The 1843 Philadelphia Hicksite discipline attaches a footnote to the above certificate: "When the marriage is accomplished at a _private house, instead of the words, "in a public meeting of the said Society, held at....aforesaid," say, "at the house of.......in the...... of ......"

That the marriage of persons too near akin may, as much as in us lies, be prevented, this meeting concludes, that no marriage between first-cousins, nor between a man and his deceased wife's half-sister, shall be permitted among us; and that, where any person or persons so circumstanced shall inter-marry, their so doing shall be considered as a relinquishment of their connection with the society, and they be accordingly disowned by the monthly meetings of which they are members. And it is further concluded, that, if any such persons shall afterwards apply to the monthly meeting which disowned him or her for reinstatement, the said meeting is not to accede to the proposed, until the case shall be represented to the quarterly meeting, and its consent obtained, after being well assured that the parties are brought to a due sense of their transgression, manifested by uprightness of life and conversation.

After "a deceased wife's sister," the 1809 New England and the 1863 Ohio Conservative discipline add, "or a deceased husband's brother." This rule against marrying a deceased spouse's sibling is also found in the New York discipline, but in all 4 of these yearly meetings it is repealed in a later edition.

It is advised that parents exercise a religious care in watching over their children, and endeavour to guard them against improper or unequal connections in marriage; that they be not anxious to obtain for them large portions and settlements, but that they be joined with persons of religious inclinations, suitable dispositions and diligence in their business, which are necessary to a comfortable life in a marriage state.

The 1809 New England discipline adds: "And it is particularly recommended to all parents, to endeavor to cultivate such habits of confidence and freedom in the truth, with their children, as may render it easy for them early to consult their parents in such important concerns.

The increase of the breaches of our testimony, in going from amongst us in the weighty engagement of marriage, being often for want of due care in parents, and those who have the important charge of educating the youth under their trust, early to admonish and instruct them in the principles of truth, and impress their minds with the duty of religiously observing them, as much as possible restraining them from such company as is likely to entangle their affections in an improper manner; we therefore tenderly advise Friends in all quarters to an increasing care over the youth, that the consistency of our principles in all respects with the nature of true religion, may be impressed on their tender minds, by upright examples, as well as by precepts; and that where there is apparent danger of the affections of any being improperly entangled, and the care of parents or guardians, or those who have their oversight, appears not sufficient to pre-vent their taking imprudent steps in the accomplishment of marriage, care be taken timely to apply for the help of their friends.

The 1863 Ohio (Conservative) discipline adds: "Marriage being a divine ordinance, and a solemn engagement for term of life, is of great importance to our peace and well-being in this world, and may also prove of no small consequence respecting our state in that which is to come; yet it is often too inconsiderately entered into, and upon motives inconsistent with the evident intention of that unerring wisdom by which it was primarily ordained; which was for the mutual assistance and comfort of both sexes, in spirituals and temporals, that their endeavors might be united for the education of their children in the nurture and admonition of the Lord; and for the discharge of their duty in their various allotments in the world.

"Marriage implies union, as well in spiritual as temporal concerns. Whilst the parties differ in religion, they stand disunited in the main point, even that which should increase and confirm their mutual happiness, and render them meet-helps and blessings to each other. Where it is otherwise, the reciprocal obligation into which they have entered, becomes their burden; and the more so, as it may not be of short duration. Whatever felicity they may have flattered themselves with in the beginning, they have found themselves disappointed of, by the daily uneasiness accompanying their minds, and embittering their enjoyments.

"The perplexed situation of the offspring of such alliances is also to be lamented; attached by nature to both parents, their confusion often renders them unfixed in principle and unsettled in practice; or if, as is usual, the sons attach themselves to the father, and the daughters to the mother, brothers and sisters are trained up in lines of conduct diverse from, and, in some instances, opposite to each other; thus differing in principle, they are frequently divided in affection, and though so nearly related, are sometimes at the greatest distance from that love and harmony which ought continually to subsist between them.

"To prevent falling into these disagreeable and disorderly engagements, it is requisite to beware of the paths that lead to them--the sordid interests and ensnaring friendships of the world; the contaminating pleasures and idle pastimes of earthly minds; also the various solicitations and incentives of festivity and dissipation. Let our dear youth likewise avoid the too frequent and too familiar converse with those from whom may arise a danger of entanglement, by their alluring the passions and drawing the affections after them.

"For want of due watchfulness and obedience to the convictions of Divine Grace in their consciences, many amongst us have wounded their own souls, distressed their friends, injured their families, and done great disservice to the church, by their unequal connexions; which have proved an inlet to much degeneracy, and mournfully affected the minds of those who labor under a living concern for the good of all, and the prosperity of truth upon earth." (Part of this material also occurs in the 1810 New York discipline.)

Monthly meetings are authorised to give forth testimonies of denial against such parents or guardians who consent to, connive at, or encourage the marriages of their children and those under their care (members of our religious society) contrary to the good order established amongst us; if after Christian and brotherly labour with them, they cannot be brought to a due senseof their error, and a satisfactory acknowledgement of the same.

The 1809 New England discipline adds: "We also recommend the good order of friends relating to marriage, that it be carefully preserved and duly maintained in the first and earliest proceedings leading thereunto, as well as the orderly solemnization thereof; and if any persons, contrary to the repeated advice and established order of friends, shall, under any pretence whatsoever, presume to take one another in any meeting for worship, without the consent of the monthly-meeting to which they belong, such proceeding being of a clandestine nature, tending to make void the just care of friends in that case, we advise that the monthly- meeting do not fail to testify against the practice, as well as against the persons concerned therein. 1730."

However, the 1843 Philadelphia Hicksite discipline states: "If any member of our Society accomplish his or her marriage without the approbation of the monthly meeting, and it should appear by the report of a committee appointed to visit him or her, that no immoral conduct nor breach of our testimonies has taken place in the accomplishment of said marriage, monthly meetings may be at liberty to retain such member, without requiring a written acknowledgment."

A later Philadelphia Orthodox discipline adds: "If any of our members should attend the meetings of those who have separated from us, and who have set up meetings contrary to the order and Discipline of our religious Society; or should attend any of the marriages accomplished among the said people, or sign the certificates issued on those occasions; as it is giving countenance to, and acknowledging those meetings, as though they were the meetings of Friends, this meeting declares that such conduct is of evil tendency, and repugnant to the harmony and well-being of our religious Society; and where such instances occur, Friends are desired to extend brotherly care and labor, that the individuals may be instructed and reclaimed; and if those endeavors prove ineffectual, Monthly meetings should testify against them.--1833."